i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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