sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
