I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
