i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
