That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
