You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
