We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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