So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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