someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
