PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
