I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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