apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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