i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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