you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
