Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
