I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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