I wish life had little blips of pornography
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You were trust falling into bushes
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
