I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
