I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
