We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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