the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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