Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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