fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
