Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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