hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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