I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
