fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
