im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
