Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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