if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
