Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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