I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
