i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
