My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
