I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just invented taco cereal.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
