i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
