I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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