I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
