Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
