the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize