this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
