I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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