I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I wish I only lived at night.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
