My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
