I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
