I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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