i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
