First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
