Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
