look no pants
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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