we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
