Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
