My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
