I think I died a long time ago.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
