how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
