i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
