The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
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