Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I would ride that face into the sunset
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
