I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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