two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
