I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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